I understand that some people like to have extramarital affairs, but do they have to do it in such a sleazy way as to sign up for a website just for cheaters? Somehow it makes the whole thing seem so much seedier. Here are two of their (badly produced) commercials.
I suppose these 1-800-Victim2 commercials are for a law firm specializing in personal injury, but it doesn’t really matter what they’re for. They have everything I love in a local commercial…bad acting, bad special effects, bad visual effects, and a funny rap. The guy in the second commercial really thinks he’s all that, but is he supposed to be a lawyer? If so, I don’t trust him.
This is just one of the Tiger Schulmann karate school’s fine commercials…I also like the one where a woman looks enviously at a Paris Hilton-looking socialite type, then a scary karate instructor approaches her car and magically transports her to the Tiger Schulmann school. It’s really quite confusing.
But the ad below is great for several reasons. For one, the kids have cool Brooklyn accents. Always a plus. Also, bullies were so much cooler in the 90s. At least, I assume this commercial was filmed in the 90s…it certainly looks dated. But the best part of all is at the very end when, after establishing that violence is unnecessary throughout the ad, the main character’s Jonathan Lipnicki-esque little buddy asks, “What if he jumps you?” and the main kid replies, “that’s a different story,” in a way that makes it seem like he hasn’t totally quelled his lust for revenge. Sort of like a gangster.
This commercial for Broadview Security starts out like a normal commercial, with a girl turning away a date at the door, citing the fact that she just got out of a bad relationship, and going inside. She could easily be about to indulge in a single-serving microwave brownie or some Dove chocolate. But then things turn plain frightening!
With all the drama in this minute-long ad, you might think you’ve stumbled upon Jennifer Lopez’s fine domestic violence-themed B-movie classic “Enough,” but you’d be wrong. The commercial is simply saying that you should buy an alarm system so that when a stalker breaks into your house intent on finally ending your life, a shrill alarm will convince him to run away. Somehow I think a restraining order might be a better route to take. Or, better yet, a large dog and a shotgun. That’ll send those no good ex-husbands running, just ask any female country singer. Or you could always take the Jennifer Lopez route and get really buff so you can kick the dude’s ass and look cool doing it, even though he’s twice your size and no number of ab crunches is going to change that.
In conclusion, I’m saying “Enough!”…of these terrible worst case scenario ads.
Broadview Security operators: the only trustworthy men around
My friends and I often made jokes about what might have been in that one package Tom Hanks refused to open in Cast Away. What if it was an inflatable raft, or a gun or whatever? Well, little did I know until today, FedEx was way ahead of us. They did a commercial about this very concept, which admittedly could be better if they’d gotten the original cast members to act it out, but it’s still really funny. Check it out!
If you’ve seen the many 1-800-DENTIST ads, which show a dentist and a woman who always seem to get in the same elevator, sharing dentistry-related banter, you know they use guilt and vague threats to convince the public to go to the dentist. The woman will just be talking about food or something, and the dentist guy is like, “you know what you need to eat food? Teeth.” Give it a rest already, dentist dude! The woman said she wasn’t interested. I think the banter is really just their way of flirting…they clearly have some sexual tension going on there.
But since I don’t have health insurance and dentists are all kinds of expensive, these commercials just frustrate me. I’m like, “I know! I want to go! Stop reminding me!” Grr.
Anyway, here are two truly bizarre (and unusually long) outtakes, which the company recently posted with a number of others on their YouTube channel.
The first one, entitled “Goodies,” confirms my sexual tension theory. The woman is now shamelessly throwing herself at the guy.
Yikes! The second is entitled “Oral Salvation,” which refers to a racy exchange around the 1:40 mark.
1-800-DENTIST Oral Salvation ad
I also recommend “Pygmynation,” wherein the woman offers the following as a reason for distrusting dentists: “They do stuff in my mouth, and I am not a prostitute.”
I love me some cheap haircuts, and half the time I’m too cheap to even get those and end up letting my friends cut my hair (bad idea unless you’re getting a buzz cut). But when I do decide to go all out and pamper myself, I still can’t bear to spend more than $15 or $20 on a haircut. It just seems wrong, especially when hair grows out so fast. If you have thick or unruly hair, I could totally understand it, but my hair is as thin as a rail and I could basically cut it myself with nail clippers, so there’s not a lot I can do with it, style-wise. I usually get my hair cut at a local Brooklyn beauty shop these days, but when I lived in Tucson I was a Fashion Cuts girl all the way, and when I lived and worked in Manhattan, I went with Supercuts. I worked at a deli downstairs from one for a time, so the haircutters who I gave free coffee refills and so forth to every morning would cut me a deal on cuts and colors. I always gave them free reign to try whatever they wanted, and once my favorite stylist, Dorca, gave me purple hair with a blonde streak. She scolded me that my washed out Manic Panic red hair was getting unattractive, and that even if my boyfriend didn’t say anything about it, I should fix it up for his benefit. Oh, Dorca, where are you now?
ANYway, this Supercuts ad was just playing and I recognized the voice as Amy Sedaris’ immediately. Hell yeah! Cheap haircuts and my favorite funny woman, together at last.
My ads of the week haven’t exactly been regularly spaced out, you might have noticed, but so be it. This is a particularly disturbing new ad spot for Viking Pest, a pest control company. I think they stole their mascot from my nightmares.
I can’t describe how disturbing I find the new Jacoby & Meyers ad. If you haven’t seen it, I apologize that I wasn’t able to locate a video of the offending commercial. Basically, it appears as if your very own television is experiencing technical difficulties: the absent remote control holder attempts to turn the TV on and off, flips channels, and generally tries everything they can to escape the omnipresent law firm’s logo.
In addition, the sound effects they use are so familiar to me, from things like the Interrogation Tapes from The L Word (fans will know what I’m talking about), that I get confused every time. I hate when I hear a familiar sound effect in a new context…it’s like how when I’m walking around the streets of New York and hear a cab pulling over and stopping the meter, I think the smoke monster from Lost is after me.
Have you seen these, or is it just my Puerto Rican neighborhood that attracts such ads? The first is the original ad in Spanish, and the second is the new English version, which I was excited to see, being a fan of the original (I spend a lot of time watching Univision at my local bodegas and laundromats).
Am I wrong or are these commercials the shit? It’s weird, because I grew up in Tucson, where Mexicans make up a large percentage of the population, but now that I live in a neighborhood with mostly families from DR and PR, I have become very familiar with the sound of Reggaeton. It’s died down a little in the past year or so, but it used to be the soundtrack to the neighborhood, along with that diabolical Mister Softee jingle. I didn’t really think of it as a Caribbean thing until I went back home for Christmas and casually mentioned my newfound appreciation of this crazy new style of music, which I assumed had taken the country by storm. But as I looked into blank stare after blank stare, I realized that Reggaeton was apparently not a Mexican thing, at least not a Sonoran thing. So that makes me wonder if they could be playing these commercials across the country — would anyone know what the hell was going on?
These are the thoughts that keep me from getting any work done. Maybe it’s time to stop working in front of the TV.