Lovable Bruce Campbell, of Evil Dead fame, has done a lot of good work in his life. But you probably don’t remember his short stint as an Old Spice pitchman. Check it.
These female-targeted ads for the razor brand Schick really pull no punches. They use such obvious metaphors for the bikini zone (stroking a cat, trimming the hedges, a pot of tulips between a woman’s legs) that you wonder why they don’t just say what they mean. I came across these ads when I noticed the following print ad for the Schick Quattro in a magazine I was reading:
Yikes! Anyway, the TV ads are equally ridiculous. Observe!
Remember that SNL sketch where Christopher Walken interviews a centaur for a job, and asks him all sorts of absurd centaur-related questions? And remember how the centaur character makes reference to using a specially made ass wiper? Here’s a bit of the dialogue to refresh your memory:
Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?
Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.
Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?
Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.
Ha ha ha, brilliant. But anyway, some fool company actually started making Aubesians! And they had to pick the worst name ever for it, “Comfort Wipe.” I say if you’re not a centaur but you’re simply a fat or lazy human, you have no excuse. Wipe your own damn ass. And if you’re paralyzed, you probably already have a colostomy bag or nurse assistant for that purpose. So there’s no excuse.
P.S. I also love the actors in this piece. The fat guy says there are some “advantages” to being obese, and the woman who talks about dignity has the best accent ever. Plus, if the real problem is that toilet paper is disgusting and archaic, a TP holder won’t help you. Get a bidet!
I think it’s hilarious that couples around the country are seeing these ads for KY’s “Yours and Mine” (i.e. His and Hers) lubricants and thinking that it will somehow improve their sex lives. Lube, it would seem, is no longer for booty sex enthusiasts and the post-menopausal. I have heard at least two people describe KY’s pair o’ lubes as something they’d like to try, thinking it will add that special sizzle to their relationships, or thinking it will even somehow have a medicinal effect and improve their orgasms.
I’m sorry to tell you, public, but all that lube does is make things more slippery. If you’re not enjoying sleeping with your partner, a slathering of grease isn’t going to help things any. But the ads certainly seem to imply otherwise…
I also like how the theme of this particular ad (below) seems to be: “This’ll shut her up.”
In my haste to big up the K9 Advantix puppy, I almost forgot about the equally cute Cottonelle puppy. Granted, this dog has a major mark against him, namely the fact that he is creepily obsessed with asses. But he’s still cute as hell.
Update: A big thank you to reader Nora who pointed out (in the comments below) that the voice of the puppy is none other than Zach Braff from TV’s Scrubs! So strange, but it kinda makes sense.
This ad for the hair volumizing tool Bumpits is the best. If I ever “rock a pony,” do me a favor and put me out of my misery.
While I have no beef with the fine deoderant/antipersperant product known as Degree, the new ad for their women’s Fine Fragrance Collection is just silly. I wasn’t able to locate a clip, so please allow me to attempt to recapture the brilliance.
A hermetic male perfumier, who looks a little like Karl Lagerfeld if I recall correctly, drives around and complains in voice over that his life’s work has been for naught, because he realized something. It struck him that sweat washes away perfume, so there’s no point in designing it anymore. Instead he will devote his life to creating matching deoderants and body sprays for Degree.
Um, what? First of all, any perfumier worth his salt would know that sweat makes scents work, and in fact they don’t reach their full potential until your own pheromones have mixed in with them. Secondly, all sorts of perfumes already have matching cosmetic products…just take a stroll past your local department store perfume section if you don’t believe me. Granted, the idea of putting designer scents (although I assume that by “designer,” Degree means “not designer”) into deoderant is a bit unusual, unless you’re a guy who likes his Axe. But you can just spritz a bit of your favorite perfume on your underarms if you really want them to smell like CK One or whatever. I don’t get it.
Does this ad bother everyone else as much as it does me?
Trojan Vibrating Touch Fingertip Massager
Beyond the obvious fact that that old woman shouldn’t be butting into these young ladies’ sex conversation, much less with her own gross input on vibrators, this product is a crock. These things (along with those vibrating cock rings all the condom companies sell at Walgreens) are just a waste of money, pure and simple. They’re only good for one or two uses, they’re incredibly weak and wouldn’t help anyone besides a blushing virgin, and for the money, you could buy an actual sex toy that works! Anyone who’s considering spending money on one of these bitches would be well advised to go to Babeland.com instead.