Ad Nauseous

I remember wanting a Baby Alive doll, and I’m not sure if I ever got one. But boy, do these commercial take me back. The best line: “I made a stinky.”

Kathie Lee Gifford is a drunken joy on the fourth hour of The Today Show, but when I was growing up, she was simply the lady on the Carnival Cruise Lines commercials. Here are a couple of classics.

Crackers in my Bed was a memory-style board game in the 80s, and I used to love the hell out of it. I’d forgotten, however, about the wonderful ad (and jingle) that went along with it!

This Ninja Turtle-starring anti-drug ad was all the rage when it came out in the early 90s. By which I mean, it was really easy to make fun of. No better retort has ever been uttered…once a drug user hears that a square thinks he’s a turkey, clearly he’ll stop using drugs and rethink his wasted life.

I never understood why the stereotypical bad kids in these PSAs are so willing to give away their drugs for free. If I had an assortment of pills, powder drugs, joints, and needles, I wouldn’t go giving it to just anyone. I’d charge cash money for that shiz! Also, why are the bad kids even interested in corrupting nerds they don’t know? The whole situation is very unrealistic if you ask me.

Ninja Turtle PSA

Okay, so this is technically not an ad, but who cares, it’s hilarious. The following video is an employee training guide for employees of Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater, which looks like it was made sometime around 1985. The part that will really trip you out, especially if you are in some way, ahem, impaired, starts around the 5:40 mark.

Chuck E. Cheese walkabout character training video

Thanks to ShowBizPizza.com for the video!

Every Tuesday night used to be Kid’s Night at Pizza Hut, and it was a very special tradition indeed, as anyone over the age of 20 or so probably remembers. The fast food pizza chain was more of a sit-down restaurant then, with salad bars and comfy booths, and on Kid’s Night, they really went all out. There were games, prizes, free copies of Nickelodeon Magazine (with which they had a major tie-in), and all kinds of other diversions. That’s where I got my Back to the Future 2 futuristic sunglasses and my tape of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fake tour album “Coming out of their Shells,” among other treasures.

This ad takes me back, and it has a special bonus plug for Darkwing Duck at the end.

Kids’ Night at Pizza Hut

Remember Bic Banana markers? Yeah, me neither. But this amazing commercial makes me want to go out and get some immediately. Legendary TV personality Charles Nelson Reilly dresses as a banana, sings a song about bananas and drawing, and generally makes a lot of references that could be construed as phallic if your mind is in the gutter like mine.

Charles Nelson Reilly for Bic Banana

Now I don’t really remember this product, which apparently was all the rage in the late ’80s, but it looks hilarious. The Max Skate Bike appears to be some kind of magical combination between a skateboard, a scooter, a BMX bike, and roller skates. And the ad itself is pure comic gold. Keep an eye out for the Michael Jackson impersonator (how timely).

Max Skate Bike

Thanks Chris!

This is a Betty Crocker gem from back in the day. The song is absolute gold, and the look on the guy’s face when he realizes there are even more frostings is almost orgasmic. Kind of scary.

Betty Crocker frosting ad

If you were born in the 90s, these will take you back. Even the ABC Kids bumper at the beginning of the first video gave me a childhood flashback moment.

My Buddy & Kid Sister

Lite-Brite

Little Miss Makeup (okay, to be fair, I did get this one)

Barbie Lamborghini

Maybe this Christmas….

This is a gem from back in the day. You can always count on Pillsbury for an adorably disturbing ad. This doesn’t hold a candle, however, to my all time favorite, which involved an older couple saying that experimenting in the kitchen was giving them ideas to experiment in other rooms, and the Pillsbury Doughboy suggestively dimmed the lights. That was just disgusting.  I don’t want to think about pudgy middle aged flesh and biscuit dough.

But until I can locate a video of that disturbing moment in advertising history, we’ll have to make do with this hilarious rap.