I was trying to find my favorite new Perdue ad (the one where Mr. Perdue warns a chicken named Gladys not to eat any candy as he takes her hidden stash, and she balks–or bawks–at his suggestion) when I came across this older ad. Needless to say, it caught my attention.

Perdue Entrees Commercial

I can’t seem to locate a copy of the latest IHOP commercial for their Strawberry Festival special, but it’s pure advertising genius. It portrays two pilot types in an airplane, attempting to land. One of them then utters the best question I’ve ever heard on an IHOP commercial: “Why is the runway covered in whipped cream?” Why indeed. This man speaks for us all.

It turns out that the runway is covered in whipped cream because it’s the Strawberry Festival. I’m not sure if this is implying that the pilots are going to scatter strawberries along the runway from their plane, thus creating a disgusting engine oil shortcake, or what. But I appreciate the concept.

All I could find was this press release for the aforementioned Strawberry Festival, which is a good source for such funny statistics as the following: “A 2007 study from The California Strawberry Commission confirmed what many taste buds know, that strawberries are the favorite fruit of both kids and adults alike. And, over the last 50 years, more than 155 million pounds of sweet strawberry glaze have topped IHOP treats — enough to fill 1,570 Olympic-sized swimming pools.”

And doesn’t it seem kind of dangerous to cover a runway in whipped cream? Sounds like the makings for another Munich Air Disaster situation.

This Superbowl-themed Walmart ad from earlier this year is dumb enough as it is, but the part that really confuses me is near the end when the narrator says that Walmart offers “everyone’s favorite football foods.”

What is a football food, really? Are they suggesting that snacks like Chex Mix and chips and dip are what counts as football-related nourishment? Because I can think of a lot of other names for that…stuff that people eat while watching TV, foods that guys like, bar food…last time I checked, football isn’t its own genre of cuisine. Anyway, here’s the ad.

Why have there been so many poop-related commercials lately? It seems like everyone’s having trouble crapping, especially the unfortunate people in the Activia and Fiber One commercials. This Fiber One spot is particularly disturbing, partly because the unspoken punchline is “that old woman is gonna crap her pants.”

I would say that the better way to get to the root of the problem would be to eat more fruits and vegetables and less meat and fried food. But that’s just me.

I should also point out that I ordered the free Fiber One samples like the ads suggested, and they were pretty tasty. Then again, you can give me a free ketchup packet and I’ll be happy.

I am very confused by these new commercials for Disney Farm Fresh Eggs. Disney thinks they can just stamp a little character on any old thing and people will buy it? Well, they probably will, but it’s still arrogant. And the person who posted the video below suggests that these might be collectible if you don’t break the shells. Do they mean drilling a couple of tiny holes and blowing them out? Because I don’t think anyone wants some old rotten eggs, no matter what they’re stamped with. The carton maybe. Blown-out eggshells maybe. Rotten eggs no.

Disney Farm Fresh Eggs commercial

I don’t understand why the good people at Old El Paso feel they need to improve upon the traditional taco shell. In their new ad, they suggest that the solution to the age old problem of tacos spilling out onto your plate is to make the very shell square. But this makes no sense. For one thing, the shape would probably hurt your mouth when you took a bite. For another, the whole thing falls apart after a few bites anyway, so it doesn’t matter what the bottom is shaped like. Thirdly, a little invention known as a taco rack is a far better solution, and it’s one of my favorite inventions to boot. I especially recommend this fine model by La Cook-a-Rack-a, or the one pictured below, which I just like because I love chickens.

Anyway, here’s the offending commercial.

Old El paso Flat bottom taco ad

This is a Betty Crocker gem from back in the day. The song is absolute gold, and the look on the guy’s face when he realizes there are even more frostings is almost orgasmic. Kind of scary.

Betty Crocker frosting ad

The Yoplait ad that’s been playing lately shows a woman on the phone with a friend, discussing all the delicious desserts she’s been eating, while her husband vainly searches through the fridge for said desserts. Then she announces that she’s lost weight, confusing him much like that other yogurt lady confused her seamstress when she asked for her clothes to be taken in. By the way, doesn’t the lady in that seamstress ad look a bit like the crazed fan in Flight of the Conchords?

Anyway, the fact that the husband has to sneak around and pretend he’s not looking for dessert makes me sad. If he wants cakes and pies so badly, why doesn’t he just buy some? Sounds like we have one controlling bitch of a wife on our hands. He even looks scared of her.

Andrea Rosen Yoplait commercial

I have to say, I’m really proud of Quizno’s for having the cajones to air a commercial like this. Granted, this is the cable version, which I’ve only seen at night on channels like SpikeTV, but it’s still fairly eyebrow-raising as sandwich chain commercials go. The version that airs on network TV is far less interesting and doesn’t really make any sense, which leads me to believe that this version was the original ad vision. My favorite part is their discussion of how Scott, the sandwich maker, has previously “put it in” and doesn’t want to it again because it burned, to which the oven replies, “we both enjoyed that.”

Quizno’s Toasty Torpedo Ad (sexy version)

This is a gem from back in the day. You can always count on Pillsbury for an adorably disturbing ad. This doesn’t hold a candle, however, to my all time favorite, which involved an older couple saying that experimenting in the kitchen was giving them ideas to experiment in other rooms, and the Pillsbury Doughboy suggestively dimmed the lights. That was just disgusting.  I don’t want to think about pudgy middle aged flesh and biscuit dough.

But until I can locate a video of that disturbing moment in advertising history, we’ll have to make do with this hilarious rap.