First of all, kudos to whoever captured the glorious image above, and whoever created the amazing invention pictured. That is indeed a ranch dressing fountain. What I wouldn’t give for one of those…think how easily you could coat a pizza slice!

Anyway, the recent commercials for Hidden Valley Ranch are quite disturbing. They present a terrifying dystopia wherein children and teenagers are doing normal everyday activities, like eating junk food, but all of the junk food has been replaced by similar-looking vegetables. The first ad takes place at the fair and includes a salad eating contest, among other out-of-place scenes. But the second ad is even more bizarre, showing children apparently pleased that their piñata is filled not with delicious candy, but with individually wrapped vegetables. This seems like something that would happen in one of those time travel stories when somebody accidentally kills the guy who invented candy or something. Noooooooo!

Hidden Valley of Terror

The new “Go Meat” ads for Hillshire Farm have all the makings of an obnoxious ad campaign…a repetitive military-style chant, a catch phrase that could easily be considered laughable (or evil, if you’re in PETA), and so forth. But I don’t really mind them, especially the one pasted below, which takes place on an airplane. I like how it doesn’t try to be too slick or too wacky, and the actors are pretty inoffensive. Take a look:

Airplane Hillshire Farms ad

As I’ve previously mentioned, I love anything and everything related to chickens. I just think they’re neat. And this (Australian, I think) ad for Domino’s is by far the best chicken-related commercial I’ve seen, not to mention one of the awesomest ads I’ve ever seen, period.

Domino’s disco chicken ad

I think the Quizno’s oven has gotten to Baskin-Robbins. No video for this one, apologies. But as the screen capture above (and a visit to the Baskin-Robbins website) will prove, the ice cream makers have adopted a new tagline (replacing the perhaps too challenging “Yay!”), “Don’t Be So Vanilla!”

I don’t know if “vanilla” has taken on additional meanings over the years, but as far as I know, it means one thing: sexually unadventurous. What is Baskin-Robbins trying to tell us? That we need to start experimenting with sex toys, new positions, and bisexuality? Because that’s what it sounds like they’re saying.

I couldn’t locate a video of the new Pop-Tarts ad, but I’m sure you know the one I mean. It’s a sequel to their creepy tap dancing cartoon kid commercial, but this time a whole group of kids has assembled for a day of summer fun. And by summer fun, I mean a pile of fattening treats made with pop-tarts. The mother designs a diabolical series of desserts including the following: pop-tart ice cream sandwiches (at least she breaks one tart in half and doesn’t try to give the kids two at a time), bowls of ice cream with pop tarts sticking out of them, and the weirdest of all, pop tarts on a stick. This I have never heard of, and it sounds neither appetizing nor functional.

I was already annoyed when Pop-Tarts started covering all of their toaster-ready treats with frosting and sprinkles. Yuck! I prefer mine plain. The only varieties that benefit from that treatment are the super-sweet ones like S’mores. But anyway, they were unhealthy enough covered in all that gross frosting, and now the company thinks a good way to combat the childhood obesity epidemic is to bury their already sugary product in ice cream? It’s sick. If I had a kid I wouldn’t let them have nary not a Pop-Tart (I know that’s bad grammar, I just like saying it that way).

Update: While continuing to look for that crappy new ad, I came across this awesome Pop-Tarts Rap, made by some kid named Mike. It’s gold! It even points out that if you don’t like Pop-Tarts, you’re most likely a fart.

Mike’s Pop-Tarts rap

Another bad grammar alert, this time from the crappy meat slinging chain known as Outback Steakhouse. Their new slogan is “Live Adventurous.” Clearly they have never played Mad Libs (the best game in the universe), because if they had they’d know that an adverb, which modifies a verb like, say, “live,” typically ends in -ly. “Live Adventurously” makes sense. “Live Adventurous” makes my brain hurt.

Here’s one of the grammatically infuriating commercials.

Outback Live Adventurous Ad

I couldn’t resist posting some more hilarious Perdue commercials. To be fair, I love chickens so to me anything chicken-related (even those new Ambien CR ads) is funny. But these are gold, trust me.

Perdue Goldilocks Ad

Healthy Jim Ad

Perdue Trucker Ad

I was trying to find my favorite new Perdue ad (the one where Mr. Perdue warns a chicken named Gladys not to eat any candy as he takes her hidden stash, and she balks–or bawks–at his suggestion) when I came across this older ad. Needless to say, it caught my attention.

Perdue Entrees Commercial

I can’t seem to locate a copy of the latest IHOP commercial for their Strawberry Festival special, but it’s pure advertising genius. It portrays two pilot types in an airplane, attempting to land. One of them then utters the best question I’ve ever heard on an IHOP commercial: “Why is the runway covered in whipped cream?” Why indeed. This man speaks for us all.

It turns out that the runway is covered in whipped cream because it’s the Strawberry Festival. I’m not sure if this is implying that the pilots are going to scatter strawberries along the runway from their plane, thus creating a disgusting engine oil shortcake, or what. But I appreciate the concept.

All I could find was this press release for the aforementioned Strawberry Festival, which is a good source for such funny statistics as the following: “A 2007 study from The California Strawberry Commission confirmed what many taste buds know, that strawberries are the favorite fruit of both kids and adults alike. And, over the last 50 years, more than 155 million pounds of sweet strawberry glaze have topped IHOP treats — enough to fill 1,570 Olympic-sized swimming pools.”

And doesn’t it seem kind of dangerous to cover a runway in whipped cream? Sounds like the makings for another Munich Air Disaster situation.

This Superbowl-themed Walmart ad from earlier this year is dumb enough as it is, but the part that really confuses me is near the end when the narrator says that Walmart offers “everyone’s favorite football foods.”

What is a football food, really? Are they suggesting that snacks like Chex Mix and chips and dip are what counts as football-related nourishment? Because I can think of a lot of other names for that…stuff that people eat while watching TV, foods that guys like, bar food…last time I checked, football isn’t its own genre of cuisine. Anyway, here’s the ad.

Why have there been so many poop-related commercials lately? It seems like everyone’s having trouble crapping, especially the unfortunate people in the Activia and Fiber One commercials. This Fiber One spot is particularly disturbing, partly because the unspoken punchline is “that old woman is gonna crap her pants.”

I would say that the better way to get to the root of the problem would be to eat more fruits and vegetables and less meat and fried food. But that’s just me.

I should also point out that I ordered the free Fiber One samples like the ads suggested, and they were pretty tasty. Then again, you can give me a free ketchup packet and I’ll be happy.

I am very confused by these new commercials for Disney Farm Fresh Eggs. Disney thinks they can just stamp a little character on any old thing and people will buy it? Well, they probably will, but it’s still arrogant. And the person who posted the video below suggests that these might be collectible if you don’t break the shells. Do they mean drilling a couple of tiny holes and blowing them out? Because I don’t think anyone wants some old rotten eggs, no matter what they’re stamped with. The carton maybe. Blown-out eggshells maybe. Rotten eggs no.

Disney Farm Fresh Eggs commercial

I don’t understand why the good people at Old El Paso feel they need to improve upon the traditional taco shell. In their new ad, they suggest that the solution to the age old problem of tacos spilling out onto your plate is to make the very shell square. But this makes no sense. For one thing, the shape would probably hurt your mouth when you took a bite. For another, the whole thing falls apart after a few bites anyway, so it doesn’t matter what the bottom is shaped like. Thirdly, a little invention known as a taco rack is a far better solution, and it’s one of my favorite inventions to boot. I especially recommend this fine model by La Cook-a-Rack-a, or the one pictured below, which I just like because I love chickens.

Anyway, here’s the offending commercial.

Old El paso Flat bottom taco ad

This is a Betty Crocker gem from back in the day. The song is absolute gold, and the look on the guy’s face when he realizes there are even more frostings is almost orgasmic. Kind of scary.

Betty Crocker frosting ad

The Yoplait ad that’s been playing lately shows a woman on the phone with a friend, discussing all the delicious desserts she’s been eating, while her husband vainly searches through the fridge for said desserts. Then she announces that she’s lost weight, confusing him much like that other yogurt lady confused her seamstress when she asked for her clothes to be taken in. By the way, doesn’t the lady in that seamstress ad look a bit like the crazed fan in Flight of the Conchords?

Anyway, the fact that the husband has to sneak around and pretend he’s not looking for dessert makes me sad. If he wants cakes and pies so badly, why doesn’t he just buy some? Sounds like we have one controlling bitch of a wife on our hands. He even looks scared of her.

Andrea Rosen Yoplait commercial