Ritz Crackers are OK, but they’re hardly my favorite cracker. They’re definitely not on the same level as awesome crackers like Triscuits, Wheat Thins, and even Better Cheddars. But that is not my beef with them at the moment. Rather, I am concerned about the fact that they seem to be endorsing playing with your food rather than eating it.

In the below ad, a group of cool, hip youths sits around and plays a variation on the fine party game Jenga using the aforementioned crackers. I highly doubt that they will eat all the filthy crackers off their floor and table after they’re done. It reminds me of the news report in The Simpsons showing people throwing whole chickens and pouring out cartons of milk into the garbage (”Coming up next, a new fad that’s sweeping the nation — wasting food!”).

Also of note is that they use what sounds like a reworked version of Cake’s “Short Skirt/Long Jacket,” although knowing Cake, it could be any of their other songs as well, by which I mean they all kind of sound alike.

Sweet fancy Moses, is there no end to the weirdness KFC will unleash upon the world? First there was the Famous Bowl, and now this. The Huffington Post did a great piece on the bizarre sandwich, which replaces bread with fried chicken cutlets and contains bacon, special sauce, and two kinds of cheese. This monstrosity will surely spell our doom. Here’s a newsclip from Fox News.

I wonder why Japan gets all the cool fast food, like the Mega Mac at McDonald’s, and we’re stuck eating the same old quarter pounders and chicken sandwiches. Case in point: this Pizza Hut pizza with a hot dog-like sausage woven through the crust! When will we be getting more weird crap like this and less boring crap like the pasta bread bowl?

I’ve never heard of the Happy’s Pizza chain, which I think is in mostly based in the Midwest, but their commercials sure are fun. The theme song is kind of catchy and kind of creepy. Somehow they got the famous group The Four Tops to be in (at least) two of their ads, which you can view below. Personally, I prefer the Tops’ work in this Velveeta Shells and Cheese ad.

I always wonder why companies make these super-extended versions of their ads. Who watches them, besides bored advertising bloggers like me?

Sponge Bob Square Butt ad (full song)

I’ve been looking for a copy of this Lean Cuisine ad for a while, due to the fact that it paints a very odd picture of the polarized way some people think about food. Like you’re either eating horrifically unhealthy food in binge proportions, or you’re on a diet and stuck with boring low-fat frozen dinners. It’s not like you could prepare a healthy meal using fresh ingredients or anything.

Also, I love the idea of eating a block of cheese for dinner. I’ve probably only ever put away half a block of cheese at a time, but I’ve certainly been tempted to polish one off in one sitting.

Mmm, block of cheese

I really like the new White Castle pulled pork sandwiches, and I hope they stay on the menu for a while. I also kind of like the TV commercial for these sandwiches. It’s a takeoff on the classic Flashdance stripping scene, but instead of Bette from The L Word it’s a sexy pig getting drenched in BBQ sauce. Kind of creepy, but also pretty well done. You can compare the ad (below) with the original Flashdance scene (at the 4:15 mark in the second video below), if you like.

White Castle pulled pork ad

Flashdance Part 1 (water dance scene at 4:15)

Now this is a nice commercial! Way better than Baskin-Robbins‘ previous ad featuring the unintentionally hilarious slogan “Don’t be so vanilla.”

Cake toppers dancing

Okay, so this is technically not an ad, but who cares, it’s hilarious. The following video is an employee training guide for employees of Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater, which looks like it was made sometime around 1985. The part that will really trip you out, especially if you are in some way, ahem, impaired, starts around the 5:40 mark.

Chuck E. Cheese walkabout character training video

Thanks to ShowBizPizza.com for the video!

Every Tuesday night used to be Kid’s Night at Pizza Hut, and it was a very special tradition indeed, as anyone over the age of 20 or so probably remembers. The fast food pizza chain was more of a sit-down restaurant then, with salad bars and comfy booths, and on Kid’s Night, they really went all out. There were games, prizes, free copies of Nickelodeon Magazine (with which they had a major tie-in), and all kinds of other diversions. That’s where I got my Back to the Future 2 futuristic sunglasses and my tape of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fake tour album “Coming out of their Shells,” among other treasures.

This ad takes me back, and it has a special bonus plug for Darkwing Duck at the end.

Kids’ Night at Pizza Hut

I really dislike this whole unfunny humor trend in advertising. Everyone seems to think the way to get young, hip audiences to buy their product is to imitate the whole Judd Apatow/Will Ferrell humorless comedy sensibility. But it’s one thing to watch an R-rated movie and chuckle at how stupid Will Ferrell’s character is, and quite another to watch a TV commercial. Nobody’s looking to commercials for their daily dose of comedy (unless it’s unintentional).

This Sonic commercial is a perfect example. It’s chock full of unfunny humor that will make you cringe with its self-conscious randomness. I’m sorry the video is a disaster, but it’s all I could find.

Crazy ladies, late night snackin’!

I was already surprised to see that Denny’s was embracing stoner mascots like the rasta unicorn in their recent series of Allnighter (meaning late night menu) ads, which I discussed here, but today I took a gander at their official Allnighter website. Dear god!

I’ve spent time at Denny’s late at night, and as I recall, their late night menu used to be pretty lame. But now they’re trying to make it super cool and hip, so not only do they have a crazy, “youthful” looking site with music downloads and all kinds of stuff, but apparently they’re also letting cheesy guest musicians design their “Rockstar Menu.” Yes, finally your lifelong dream of eating something Sum 41 came up with can become a reality.

The items definitely seem like things rock musicians with no culinary talent would come up with. A breakfast sandwich sprinkled with powdered sugar for no reason (the Sumwich, pictured above, which kind of sounds like “Sumbitch”), a pile of random toast and crap smothered in gravy, etc. The only thing that sounds reasonably good is the burrito Good Charlotte supposedly invented. It even comes with a Boca Burger option for vegetarians, and anything served with a side of ranch for dipping is OK by me. So congratulations, Good Charlotte! Apparently the Madden dudes have at least some good taste, not counting their involvement with Paris Hilton.

And since I already posted the stoned unicorn commercial, here’s another Denny’s classic that weed lovers will be equally amused by:

Nannerpuss!!!!!

The Denny’s all nighter ads are pretty interesting. They portray a dinosaur, a unicorn, a leprechaun, and a normal looking dude enjoying a late night munchie session at Wendy’s. And they seem baked. The unicorn is an obvious Rasta, and his eyes are nearly shut he’s so stoned. The other ones may merely be along for the ride, but the whole thing seems to be a nod to the fact that late night Denny’s customers are more often than not…what’s the word…baked. Well, bravo, Denny’s! I’m proud of them for having the balls to acknowledge their target audience.

Denny’s stoner ad

I completely understand giving an Edible Arrangements bouquet o’ fruit to, say, somebody in your office on their birthday. Then the whole department can chow down on the massive pile of artistically carved fruit. But recent ads of theirs have been suggesting giving one to your dad for Father’s Day, and I have to wonder: can anyone eat that much fruit before it goes bad? It’s all cut up already, so it probably doesn’t have a very long shelf life, and I personally could only eat so much before I would be kind of sick of it. I suppose you could blend it into a smoothie, and of course the family will be pitching in, but it still seems like an awkward gift. Plus they start at $40, I think, which is a bit much for fruit. Just go to the grocery store, spend thee bucks on as much fruit as you can eat, and make a fruit salad. Seriously. Now if they made a bouquet out of tacos or beers, I’d pay attention.

Here’s the Father’s Day clip (as a belated nod to the holiday), followed by another of their ads that’s a little funnier. The woman sounds like she’s a little slow.

Edible Arrangements Father’s Day

Edible Arrangements for all occasions

By now, you’ve probably all seen the ads for the Domino’s Bread Bowl Pasta meals. It looks like the carb pendulum has swung violently in the other direction since the days of lettuce-wrapped burgers and burrito bowls. In fact, I’m surprised Domino’s was ballsy enough to promote such carb-heavy food items, but they seem to be selling well enough. I’ve read a few blogger taste test reviews, and most of them seem to be positive. I might even try one of these bread bowls on a drunken night in the late future. I don’t think I could handle one of these things sober. It would blow my mind.

Anyway, despite all of the coverage, I have yet to locate any videos of the bread bowl commercials. Drop a comment if you find one! In the meantime, here’s a great writeup on the subject from Gastrochic, appropriately entitled “The Advent of Evil.”