This Kay Jewelers commercial looks and sounds like a horror movie from beginning to end, and it really makes you think about how some people think jewelry implies ownership of each other. This might as well be a scene between Leo and Shelly in Twin Peaks. But I don’t think that it was intended to be a twisted rumination on the dark, possessive side of love. I think it’s just a terribly misguided commercial.

What in the name of Sharia Law? This Snazzy Napper is a very bad idea for many reasons. For one, it looks stupid. Its website also suggests you use this facekerchief in public places, such as mass transit systems, which can only be the suggestion of someone who’s never lived in the city. This kind of foolishness will get you mugged, beat up or both before you have a chance to take your precious nap. And that’s another thing…who needs sleep this badly? Just go to bed when you get home like everyone else, jackass.

I have been waiting for someone to upload this video for a while. It really speaks for itself, but let me just say this: if my shoes ever got fresh with me like that, I would throw them out the window and call a priest. For serious.

I don’t know what a ZigTech is, but Reebok has released it. I think it’s a shoe. Whatever the product is, the ad is clearly a ripoff of the music video for “E-Pro” by Beck. From the song to the animation, it’s all a direct copy. Is this supposed to appeal to Beck fans as a subtle nod, or are the ad folk assuming that not very many people saw the music video? I just don’t understand what goes through their minds.

Below is the commercial, followed by the original music video.

…no, I don’t love a good mystery. Not when it involves my money. Just give me the 40% off, assholes.

The new ad for the Reebok EasyTone shoes or whatever is totally gross. It reminds me of the Cottonelle butt institute ad. I guess the point is that if you get these magical shoes, your ass will be so irresistible that people will stare at it all the time, but it just comes off as uncomfortable and porny.

The new Gap commercial shouts out to four holidays: Christmas (duh), Hanukkah (obviously), Kwanzaa (understandable), and…Solstace?

I understand that there are Pagans in this country, but it seems an odd choice of holiday to promote.

I have to say I like this DSW commercial, which features shoes at a speed dating event. It’s elegantly done, if anything.

Portions of the new commercial for Levi’s, which is patriotically titled “Go Forth America,” seem to be obviously ripping off Feist’s music video for “I Feel It All.” The sparklers and fireworks, the dark water, the youthful cavorting, even the girl’s black and white striped shirt are clear matches.

But don’t take my word for it…see for yourself!

I spotted the ridiculous product called Tingotang on TV’s Dragons’ Den, on which the company tried and failed to obtain funding for their misguided efforts. Basically, it’s jewelry you’re supposed to wear to signal that you’re single when at a bar or such. The product was dumb and nobody would ever buy it, but their ad is even worse.

I have been confused about these Marshall’s commercials for a while. They set up these bizarre scenarios in which fashion designers don’t seem to understand the concept of return policies, customer service, or basic retail practices. For instance, in the ad below, their fancy European designer, Bjorn, writes the number 100 on an order slip, and the clothing supplier he’s buying from assumes he wrote 700. First of all, I doubt they’d finish their transaction without going over the total cost, but even if they did, once the 700 shirts showed up on his doorstep, you’d think Bjorn would simply call up the supplier and be like, “I only ordered 100 shirts. I’m not paying for 700.” End of story. A few bucks for return shipping might be lost, but it’s not the end of the world.

It may pay to be shoppertunistic, but it clearly doesn’t pay to be a pushover in the retail business.

Marshall’s Bjorn ad

Now, I know fashion is a world that’s all about expensive marketing campaigns that make little to no sense, but this is just going too far. Prada made a multi-part animated film about their latest line, and it’s basically a painfully long acid trip brought to life. I really don’t know what to make of it. See the madness for yourself…I’m not sure if this is part 1 or the whole deal because it seems like it was a contest of some kind, but this is probably all you’ll be able to stomach anyway.