Remember that SNL sketch where Christopher Walken interviews a centaur for a job, and asks him all sorts of absurd centaur-related questions? And remember how the centaur character makes reference to using a specially made ass wiper? Here’s a bit of the dialogue to refresh your memory:

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

Ha ha ha, brilliant. But anyway, some fool company actually started making Aubesians! And they had to pick the worst name ever for it, “Comfort Wipe.” I say if you’re not a centaur but you’re simply a fat or lazy human, you have no excuse. Wipe your own damn ass. And if you’re paralyzed, you probably already have a colostomy bag or nurse assistant for that purpose. So there’s no excuse.

Ass wiping commercial

P.S. I also love the actors in this piece. The fat guy says there are some “advantages” to being obese, and the woman who talks about dignity has the best accent ever. Plus, if the real problem is that toilet paper is disgusting and archaic, a TP holder won’t help you. Get a bidet!