While looking for a different Folgers ad, I came across this scrap of commercial gold. The magic businessman is taking an airplane to a busy meeting or S&M convention or something, and he’s tired. So what does he do? He takes out his briefcase, which contains a full-sized coffee machine. Then he uses his magic powers to turn the machine into a cute smaller machine, and then into a teabag-like single-serving satchel of gross instant coffee.

First of all, if you’re going to transform a coffee machine into something, why not just turn it into a cup of good espresso? The best coffee in the world, perhaps? Anything but nasty instant coffee packets.

Secondly, if it’s shitty coffee you want, the airplane can usually handle that sort of request for you. They’re all about the gross coffee up there in the friendly skies. This guy thinks he’s such a genius, but I bet the stewardess will come around to refresh his cup with more instant Folgers in a minute.

Folgers airplane ad

I regret that I was unable to locate a video clip of the Nestle Pure Life bottled water commercial that’s been playing on TV lately. It’s pretty good. The narrator jokingly goes over the different ways we play with water during the summer, and then somehow uses that to justify drinking their bottled water. They say things like, “you wouldn’t dive into a pool of high fructose corn syrup.” Well, maybe I would, Nestle! Maybe that’s my favorite activity: draining my outdoor pool, filling it with bottle after bottle of corn syrup, and then diving on in. And what of it?

I really like the idea of running a different kind of liquid through your sprinklers, which they also suggest. I would use beer, clearly. Sure it would be a waste of beer, but what a delicious waste indeed.

I have been trying to track down this annoying McDonalds ad for their new McCafé product (which, as far as I can tell, is just coffee). I guess they’re trying to compete with Starbucks, but it’s not going to work. Nobody wants to lounge in a room that smells like fryer grease. Plus, in New York at least, the McDonaldses are always filled with shady characters and bums trying to use the bathroom to take a bum shower, so I certainly wouldn’t feel safe taking my laptop in there. Stick to making mediocre fast food, McDonalds. Okay, I like their fries, but for anything else I’m going to White Castle.

Anyway, I can’t stand the way they accent the end of every word in this ad. They had to know how goofy it sounded. As I’ve said before, they should really release a darker version where they say things like Puké! and Suicidé!

McShitté commercial

I could pretty much go through life only making two purchases: White Castle burgers and Miller High Life. It’s by far the cheapest decent (i.e. not Natty Ice) beer at the convenience store I frequent, and they have those awesome points you can save up for merchandise. So far I’ve earned two tank tops, a set of bottle cap magnets and an iron-on patch, and for my next purchase I have my heart set on the mini outdoor grill.

More importantly, Miller High Life knows the value of good advertising. Their latest ad campaign is not only funny, it’s not obnoxious! I genuinely don’t mind their commercials. And this one tearing apart other Super Bowl ads is pretty right on.

When I first saw the recent ad campaign for Gatorade Tiger Focus, which is entitled Woods of Wisdom in case you didn’t get the Tiger Woods reference from the product name, I thought I was watching some kind of PSA for healthy childhood eating habits, or possibly an ad for The Jungle Book 2. But no, it’s just another weird, nonsensical production from Gatorade, joining the ranks of their Monty Python and the Holy Grail ripoff campaign and that “celebrities standing in a row cryptically wondering out loud what ‘G’ is” commercial, which adds insult to injury by forcing you go online to look up the fact that, surprise, it’s just Gatorade. It reminded me of Gabbo in the Simpsons, but less hilarious.

Anyway, although I am a Gatorade drinker and enjoyer, this Jungle Book ad annoys me. The only good part is the rap at the end, which at first I thought sounded like Big Boi. I couldn’t figure out who it was for sure so I asked the company, to which they told me “Bootsy Collins does all the music for these commercials and created the pieces specifically for this ad campaign.” Thanks Gatorade! I’m so happy that it turned out to be Bootsy. He’s like the ZZ Top of funk. His star-shaped Space Bass is at least as cool as ZZ’s furry guitars.

You can view the rap in question at about the 30 second mark here: