The terrifying beast of a “food” item known as the Double Down sandwich has to be the most daring creation unleashed by KFC since the Famous Bowl. It might even top that famed bowl, due to the pure audacity of their attempting to rethink the entire sandwich by putting the meat on the outside. I’ve thought of things like this while in a drunken stupor, but kudos to them for making it a reality.

I apologize for the shitty quality of the video below.

Who will get the Don Draper award for best ad of the year? Only you can decide, and this week’s nominee is in the cuddly-cute category.

I can’t decide which “Sweet Million” ad from the New York Lottery is cuter, so here are both of them, equally nominated. No further explanation is necessary in this case.

FYI: the original posts relating to these ads are here and here.

Second in our continuing series of terrible ads is Philips Colon Health, which earned a spot on the worst list by being completely shameless about discussing, well, colon health. It’s one thing to tastefully let us know that there’s a product to help our ass worries, but it’s quite another to act like the people in the video below.

The recent commercial for Wonderful brand pistachios, embedded below, portrays a dominatrix whipping a pistachio. The subject matter doesn’t concern me, but the bad grammar does. The ad says “Dominatrix do it on command,” using the word “dominatrix” as a plural for itself. That is just plain wrong. According to logic, countless overheard references and even Wikipedia, the correct plural is “dominatrices.” Just like matrices in math class. This isn’t the most egregious grammar offense I’ve seen in advertisements lately, but it’s still worth pointing out.

Don Draper would approve

With their recent Hillbilly Hot Tub spot and their involvement (however unwilling) with Playboy’s “Two Girls, One Sub” fauxmercial, Quizno’s has had quite a year. But nothing topped their horny oven ad. It’s bizarre and amazingly suggestive, and I love it. Even though Quizno’s sandwiches are kind of gross.

Kathie Lee Gifford is a drunken joy on the fourth hour of The Today Show, but when I was growing up, she was simply the lady on the Carnival Cruise Lines commercials. Here are a couple of classics.

It’s that time of year at last, the time where we all look back at the trainwreck of a year we just survived and rummage through the debris for something worth praising or mocking. That, or writing best and worst lists on crappy internet sites. For now, I’m working on the worst, and my first nominee is….

Latisse!

This one’s a no-brainer (or a no-eyeballer, depending on the side effects). The idea that anyone would want to take a bunch of pills to make their eyelashes grow is really creepy. I’ll bet they’re real estate agents and office managers and shit too…nothing glamorous.

There will be a poll thingy to vote on the worst ads at the end of the year!

I don’t know if Windows is trying to be tongue in cheek or what, but their recent ads have been pretty lame. There’s more humor in a Magic Bullet ad, and even if the ad were funny, computer shit is boring. Nobody is going to throw a launch party for Windows 7, so basically, they’re just sitting there wasting our time, for no reason other than to be creepy.

The new ad for the Reebok EasyTone shoes or whatever is totally gross. It reminds me of the Cottonelle butt institute ad. I guess the point is that if you get these magical shoes, your ass will be so irresistible that people will stare at it all the time, but it just comes off as uncomfortable and porny.

The new Gap commercial shouts out to four holidays: Christmas (duh), Hanukkah (obviously), Kwanzaa (understandable), and…Solstace?

I understand that there are Pagans in this country, but it seems an odd choice of holiday to promote.

Crackers in my Bed was a memory-style board game in the 80s, and I used to love the hell out of it. I’d forgotten, however, about the wonderful ad (and jingle) that went along with it!

This is pretty funny, if only because I’ve seen those fake Cover Girl commercials being shot in so many seasons of Top Model, and they’re in such desperate need of being mocked. Ellen DeGeneres really seems to know how to send up the whole thing, with her confusion and inability to look at the camera (which could be a scene straight out of Top Model). And the opening line is genius and so true — it’s something I wish all makeup commercials would say.

I have been trying to track down this commercial for a while, and success is finally mine! Okay, it was a pretty stupid ad to begin with, but I still feel a sense of satisfaction in having achieved my goal. Presenting….the Spongetech SpongeBob Sponge.

Just for the hell of it, here are a few delightfully terrible ads from around the country.