I was a huge fan of the original Magic Bullet infomercial, as many people were, and my best friend and I once drunkenly tried to order one, but the customer service rep was so annoying, asking if my friend (who made the call) wanted to buy other products over and over, that we hung up. In the sober light of day, we were glad we didn’t spend like $120 on a blender, but it seemed like an awesome idea at the time.

Anyway, as you probably know, the makers of the magic bullet have come out with pretty much the same an entirely new machine, the Bullet Express! And with it comes an all-new ad, which is almost as funny as the original. I liked the chain-smoking hungover woman in the original Magic Bullet infomercial, but alas, I don’t think she’s present in this installment. However, the sloppy overweight guy has returned, and this time he gets played big time when the hosts ask him to get a knife and a cutting board, then after it takes him like 5 minutes to do that, they tell him never mind, they don’t need his help. The look of befuddlement and anger on his face is gold.

But the real star of the new ad is Granny, who gets really angry right at the beginning of the ad when she finds out there isn’t food ready. She really seems like she hates the stars. Is she the female host’s grandmother? She doesn’t have an Australian accent, so she must be. Maybe she didn’t approve of her daughter’s marriage to this Aussie pitchman. Either way, I’m inspired by her bitchiness.

And what happens to the kids that we see enter in the beginning? Maybe they’re making margaritas with the original Magic Bullet in the playroom.

And according to the source of the video below, InfomercialReviewer, this is actually the third infomercial. I’ll have to do some research into the installment I haven’t seen and get back to you. Score!

The Bullet Express, starring Granny

When people are hesitant to take antidepressants or other psychological drugs, they usually say something like, I don’t want to be a robot, or, I don’t want to lose my individuality and what makes me unique. That kind of thing.

Well, this semi-new ad for Pristiq, an antidepressant, turns that very fear into a misguided visual metaphor. A woman has a wind-up toy version of herself that she has to keep cranking up whenever it stops. Then she takes pills, I guess, and the mechanical toy marches on confidently. Then she gazes at it and smiles in a really dopey way.

But does anyone want to be compared to an automaton, a cog in society, a robot that must be made to fall into line and march like sheep to the slaughter? It seems like entirely the wrong message to send. And apparently, this robotic mascot isn’t going anywhere.

Pristiq wind-up person ad

Women have come a long way since the 1950s, but you wouldn’t know it by watching cleaning product ads. They always seem to portray kids and husbands making huge messes (one recent ad shows a husband using the blender without its lid like an idiot), then apparently leaving them and going to do something else. Because then the woman (it’s always the woman) goes around smiling like, oh those rascals, as she wipes everything up with what looks like minimal effort. If my boyfriend spilled a blender full of ice cream or something on the floor and didn’t clean it up, believe me, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help his sloppy ass.

This latest spot for Lime-A-Way bathroom cleaner also strikes me as rather dated in its attitude towards women. While walking through the grocery store and lying to various people about how she broke her arm, a housewife runs into another housewife with a similarly broken arm. The other housewife then commisserates about how scrubbing the bathtub leads to this problem all the time. Hey, maybe “hard water stains” is a euphemism for “abusive husband.” That would make a whole lot more sense.

She fell down some stairs, that’s the ticket

Okay, so this is technically not an ad, but who cares, it’s hilarious. The following video is an employee training guide for employees of Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater, which looks like it was made sometime around 1985. The part that will really trip you out, especially if you are in some way, ahem, impaired, starts around the 5:40 mark.

Chuck E. Cheese walkabout character training video

Thanks to ShowBizPizza.com for the video!

My friends and I tried out the ridiculous Hawaii Chair (or an imitation chair) at Brookstone once, and it was exactly as silly and pointless as it looks. Ellen Degeneres did a great piece on these hilarious chairs which I also recommend, but the video below is the original ad, in all its bizarre glory.

The Hawaii Chair

Every Tuesday night used to be Kid’s Night at Pizza Hut, and it was a very special tradition indeed, as anyone over the age of 20 or so probably remembers. The fast food pizza chain was more of a sit-down restaurant then, with salad bars and comfy booths, and on Kid’s Night, they really went all out. There were games, prizes, free copies of Nickelodeon Magazine (with which they had a major tie-in), and all kinds of other diversions. That’s where I got my Back to the Future 2 futuristic sunglasses and my tape of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fake tour album “Coming out of their Shells,” among other treasures.

This ad takes me back, and it has a special bonus plug for Darkwing Duck at the end.

Kids’ Night at Pizza Hut

Remember Bic Banana markers? Yeah, me neither. But this amazing commercial makes me want to go out and get some immediately. Legendary TV personality Charles Nelson Reilly dresses as a banana, sings a song about bananas and drawing, and generally makes a lot of references that could be construed as phallic if your mind is in the gutter like mine.

Charles Nelson Reilly for Bic Banana

This commercial for Broadview Security starts out like a normal commercial, with a girl turning away a date at the door, citing the fact that she just got out of a bad relationship, and going inside. She could easily be about to indulge in a single-serving microwave brownie or some Dove chocolate. But then things turn plain frightening!

With all the drama in this minute-long ad, you might think you’ve stumbled upon Jennifer Lopez’s fine domestic violence-themed B-movie classic “Enough,” but you’d be wrong. The commercial is simply saying that you should buy an alarm system so that when a stalker breaks into your house intent on finally ending your life, a shrill alarm will convince him to run away. Somehow I think a restraining order might be a better route to take. Or, better yet, a large dog and a shotgun. That’ll send those no good ex-husbands running, just ask any female country singer. Or you could always take the Jennifer Lopez route and get really buff so you can kick the dude’s ass and look cool doing it, even though he’s twice your size and no number of ab crunches is going to change that.

In conclusion, I’m saying “Enough!”…of these terrible worst case scenario ads.

Broadview Security operators: the only trustworthy men around

Now I don’t really remember this product, which apparently was all the rage in the late ’80s, but it looks hilarious. The Max Skate Bike appears to be some kind of magical combination between a skateboard, a scooter, a BMX bike, and roller skates. And the ad itself is pure comic gold. Keep an eye out for the Michael Jackson impersonator (how timely).

Max Skate Bike

Thanks Chris!

This one is a classic. No matter how many times I see it, it’s still hilarious. “Flatulent in three languages,” “your son Rip is on line toot,” etc. Pure comic gold!

Gas-X flatulent job interview