While I was trying to locate a video for a prescription eye drop commercial, I happened upon this awesomely weird ad for Iro colored eye drops. Basically, it’s like food coloring for your eyes, and it is supposed to temporarily change the color of just the irises (how they achieve that without any color bleed onto the whites of your eyes I’ll never know).

Doesn’t this just seem like a lawsuit in the making? If you want to change your eye color for the night, buy a pair of disposable lenses. Don’t subject your eyes to god knows what kind of dyes and chemicals just for the sake of vanity. This is even creepier than that Latisse ad that says their product may permanently turn your eyes brown.

Iro eye drops

While looking for a different Folgers ad, I came across this scrap of commercial gold. The magic businessman is taking an airplane to a busy meeting or S&M convention or something, and he’s tired. So what does he do? He takes out his briefcase, which contains a full-sized coffee machine. Then he uses his magic powers to turn the machine into a cute smaller machine, and then into a teabag-like single-serving satchel of gross instant coffee.

First of all, if you’re going to transform a coffee machine into something, why not just turn it into a cup of good espresso? The best coffee in the world, perhaps? Anything but nasty instant coffee packets.

Secondly, if it’s shitty coffee you want, the airplane can usually handle that sort of request for you. They’re all about the gross coffee up there in the friendly skies. This guy thinks he’s such a genius, but I bet the stewardess will come around to refresh his cup with more instant Folgers in a minute.

Folgers airplane ad

I regret that I was unable to locate a video clip of the Nestle Pure Life bottled water commercial that’s been playing on TV lately. It’s pretty good. The narrator jokingly goes over the different ways we play with water during the summer, and then somehow uses that to justify drinking their bottled water. They say things like, “you wouldn’t dive into a pool of high fructose corn syrup.” Well, maybe I would, Nestle! Maybe that’s my favorite activity: draining my outdoor pool, filling it with bottle after bottle of corn syrup, and then diving on in. And what of it?

I really like the idea of running a different kind of liquid through your sprinklers, which they also suggest. I would use beer, clearly. Sure it would be a waste of beer, but what a delicious waste indeed.

I think it’s hilarious that couples around the country are seeing these ads for KY‘s “Yours and Mine” (i.e. His and Hers) lubricants and thinking that it will somehow improve their sex lives. Lube, it would seem, is no longer for  booty sex enthusiasts and the post-menopausal. I have heard at least two people describe KY’s pair o’ lubes as something they’d like to try, thinking it will add that special sizzle to their relationships, or thinking it will even somehow have a medicinal effect and improve their orgasms.

I’m sorry to tell you, public, but all that lube does is make things more slippery. If you’re not enjoying sleeping with your partner, a slathering of grease isn’t going to help things any. But the ads certainly seem to imply otherwise…

I also like how the theme of this particular ad (below) seems to be: “This’ll shut her up.”

Fun with lube

Have you seen the new TV ad for Latisse, a magical eyelash growing serum that promises to help women (or men, I suppose) regrow missing lashes and/or lengthen and thicken their existing lashes? It’s downright terrifying.

Click here to watch it.

Brooke Shields stars in the commercial, which makes me wonder why she’s been receiving so much exposure lately. I don’t know exactly who’s behind her return to celebrity status, but I have some questions for them.

Anyway, Brooke’s involvement is irrelevant, because the product itself is what’s disturbing. The ad promises that Latisse will give you amazing huge eyelashes, but also warns that side effects include skin discoloration on your eyelid which MIGHT go away over time. And that’s not all. They also mention (I’m not kidding) that your eyes might permanently turn brown. Yes, your very irises. Brown. Forever. What??

This sounds like such a bad idea. And they’re marketing it like a beauty product, even though it’s a prescription drug. This is far worse than when they marketed medicine for Restless Leg Syndrome to the public in a deceptive way that made it seem like it was for anyone who was remotely fidgety. This is something normal everyday women who wear mascara or false lashes for an extra boost will think they need, and then we’ll find out that it actually blinds people and Latisse is going to have one major class action lawsuit on their hands. Or not, I just like to think about worst case scenarios. Like how I firmly believe that sunless tanner is going to turn out to cause skin cancer, and deoderant breast cancer, and birth control pills everything cancer. Either way, there’s no way in hell I’m putting this crazy crap on my eyes.

I think the Quizno’s oven has gotten to Baskin-Robbins. No video for this one, apologies. But as the screen capture above (and a visit to the Baskin-Robbins website) will prove, the ice cream makers have adopted a new tagline (replacing the perhaps too challenging “Yay!”), “Don’t Be So Vanilla!”

I don’t know if “vanilla” has taken on additional meanings over the years, but as far as I know, it means one thing: sexually unadventurous. What is Baskin-Robbins trying to tell us? That we need to start experimenting with sex toys, new positions, and bisexuality? Because that’s what it sounds like they’re saying.