Remember that SNL sketch where Christopher Walken interviews a centaur for a job, and asks him all sorts of absurd centaur-related questions? And remember how the centaur character makes reference to using a specially made ass wiper? Here’s a bit of the dialogue to refresh your memory:

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

Ha ha ha, brilliant. But anyway, some fool company actually started making Aubesians! And they had to pick the worst name ever for it, “Comfort Wipe.” I say if you’re not a centaur but you’re simply a fat or lazy human, you have no excuse. Wipe your own damn ass. And if you’re paralyzed, you probably already have a colostomy bag or nurse assistant for that purpose. So there’s no excuse.

Ass wiping commercial

P.S. I also love the actors in this piece. The fat guy says there are some “advantages” to being obese, and the woman who talks about dignity has the best accent ever. Plus, if the real problem is that toilet paper is disgusting and archaic, a TP holder won’t help you. Get a bidet!

By now, you’ve probably all seen the ads for the Domino’s Bread Bowl Pasta meals. It looks like the carb pendulum has swung violently in the other direction since the days of lettuce-wrapped burgers and burrito bowls. In fact, I’m surprised Domino’s was ballsy enough to promote such carb-heavy food items, but they seem to be selling well enough. I’ve read a few blogger taste test reviews, and most of them seem to be positive. I might even try one of these bread bowls on a drunken night in the late future. I don’t think I could handle one of these things sober. It would blow my mind.

Anyway, despite all of the coverage, I have yet to locate any videos of the bread bowl commercials. Drop a comment if you find one! In the meantime, here’s a great writeup on the subject from Gastrochic, appropriately entitled “The Advent of Evil.”

I find this Mastercard dinner scene commercial confusing. First of all, they seem to be implying that only people with credit cards can buy and/or afford generic food brands like Pillsbury and Jolly Green Giant veggies. Not so. Secondly, this is one bizarre-ass meal they’re coming up with. Pickles, peanuts, Count Chocula cereal, Spaghetti-O’s, crescent rolls, tuna casserole, salt, fish sticks, canned vegetables, and god knows what else…those ingredients do not a satisfying feast make. And I find it strange that Mr. Clean is doing the dishes…his brand represents cleaning products, not dishwasher detergent. How about Joy Droppy?

Here’s the odd feast in video form:

Mastercard mascot feast

First of all, kudos to whoever captured the glorious image above, and whoever created the amazing invention pictured. That is indeed a ranch dressing fountain. What I wouldn’t give for one of those…think how easily you could coat a pizza slice!

Anyway, the recent commercials for Hidden Valley Ranch are quite disturbing. They present a terrifying dystopia wherein children and teenagers are doing normal everyday activities, like eating junk food, but all of the junk food has been replaced by similar-looking vegetables. The first ad takes place at the fair and includes a salad eating contest, among other out-of-place scenes. But the second ad is even more bizarre, showing children apparently pleased that their piñata is filled not with delicious candy, but with individually wrapped vegetables. This seems like something that would happen in one of those time travel stories when somebody accidentally kills the guy who invented candy or something. Noooooooo!

Hidden Valley of Terror

I didn’t think insurance fraud was the kind of thing that warranted commercials, but apparently, The New York Fraud Fight disagrees. Their new public service announcement has been playing a lot lately, and it’s so overly dramatic. A young man curses his father’s existence, yelling things like “Hypocrite!” and “Liar!” in an empty sound stage, apparently because his dad went to a doctor’s appointment with someone else’s insurance information or something. Is it really that big a deal? Whatever.

Anyway, I found the company’s website, and they have all of their TV ads posted on this page. There’s “Ripples,” the one I mentioned, and also one where people burn money in a bonfire (“Burned”), and a truly terrific jail-themed piece entitled “3 Men in a Cell.” I recommend them all.

The recent ads for Wendy’s, which feature their new frappucino-esque “Frosty-cino” shakes, are pretty bizarre. What with the glittery boy bands, the obvious amount of sugar and candy they put into the drinks, and the fact that nobody in their right mind would get their morning coffee at Wendy’s, you have to wonder what they were thinking. Most people tend to go with the classic Starbucks frapp, or perhaps Dunkin Donuts’ Coolata. And when I think healthy breakfast (or at least breakfast that won’t make me obese), I don’t think of a Wendy’s Frosty. Now, that’s not to say that I dislike Frosties. In fact, I have been a big fan from a very young age, and I think that nothing compliments hot french fries quite like them. But I still don’t think they should tamper with a good thing by trying to turn it into coffee. Here’s the ad!

Wanna get Frosty?

I’ve never been a fan of Best Buy, mostly because I’ve heard too many stories about them ripping off people I know. One tactic I’ve heard they use is having their store computers access a different, ‘fixed’ version of the Best Buy website, so when you come in and ask about a special or price you saw on the site, and they say it costs more than you thought, they look up their doctored site to “prove” to you that they’re telling the truth. Now, this is all hearsay, but it’s enough to turn me off as a potential customer.

But anywhosit, their new ad is annoying. It’s part of their “True Stories” ad series, which shows “employees” telling anecdotes from their time working at Best Buy. But this so-called Rachel comes off like the worst kind of customer service representative, like the kind on the phone that try to sell you something no matter how many times you tell them you’re not interested. She acts all passive-aggressive to the guy in her story, like, “well you obviously called me because you secretly want to shop here.” The ad just seems bitter and borderline desperate, and definitely takes a stab at Walmart somewhere in there. Why so negative, Best Buy?

Best Buy True Stories, Rachel

The new “Go Meat” ads for Hillshire Farm have all the makings of an obnoxious ad campaign…a repetitive military-style chant, a catch phrase that could easily be considered laughable (or evil, if you’re in PETA), and so forth. But I don’t really mind them, especially the one pasted below, which takes place on an airplane. I like how it doesn’t try to be too slick or too wacky, and the actors are pretty inoffensive. Take a look:

Airplane Hillshire Farms ad

Can anyone explain to me what these Brand Power ads are all about? I’ll be watching a normal set of TV commercials, perhaps sipping a fine cheap beer, and suddenly those cheesy 80s tones start playing and I know I’m about to visit the world of shitty commercials.

As far as I can tell, they’re an evil conglomerate that sponsors particular products (perhaps sponsored products?) while pretending to perform a public service. But the information they give is no more helpful than your typical ad, and the production value is beyond poor. Honestly, what is the angle? Are they trying to spread the word that generic store brand products are evil and that we should support major brand labels? We’re in a recession, dammit! Brand names are stupid, especially when places like Target make a generic version of just about everything in the world.

I also love that their tagline is “Facts and Value.” If that’s not a way to catch the attention of young, hip audiences, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, it’s confusing. Here’s one of the ads, which looks to be from New Zealand or something.

Brand Power ad

For god knows how many years, Mastercard has been bombarding us with commercials suggesting that all the costs associated with having a good time are unimportant, because the experiences and memories you’ll create by spending money are “priceless.” Messages like these are part of the reason we’re in this whole mess where people spend money they don’t have, but that’s beside the point.

The “priceless” campaign is memorable to be sure, but I’m suggesting it’s time for a change. Even mocking the commercial’s catch phrases is old hat now, and if that doesn’t prove it’s over, I don’t know what would. Mastercard probably pays advertising companies millions of dollars a year, so they should put them to work for once and have them come up with a new campaign! It’s not that hard. Geico does it every couple of years.

Anyway, here’s the latest “priceless” ad, which is actually quite bizarre. I don’t know what the giant jack-in-the-box is all about, but I feel like it’s going to give me nightmares.

Mastercard ad with weird jack-in-the-box

Tourism ads are everywhere right now, what with it being the height of the vacation season, and most of them seem to be for places I would never in a million years visit voluntarily, like, say, Michigan. But the new Pure Michigan ads are cool just because it seems to be John Goodman narrating them, and everything he does is awesome. I could be wrong, but it’s pretty hard to mistake a voice like that. Observe.

Update: Thanks to the very kind comment from Matt Bach (Public Relations Manager of the Flint Area Convention and Visitors Bureau in Flint, Michigan) as you can see below, I now know that it is not in fact John Goodman narrating the ads. It is fellow Michiganian (Michigeno?) Mr. Tim Allen, of Home Improvement fame! I actually have a real soft spot for that show, and Tim seems like a nice person, so that’s cool too. Thanks again, Matt!

Pure Michigan ‘Time’ Ad

General Motors issued this commercial immediately after declaring bankruptcy, and it’s even sadder than the Yaz retraction ad. They’re basically saying, we know we’re a huge disappointment, but what are you gonna do?

GM “reinvention” (aka “we’re fucked”) commercial

As I’ve previously mentioned, I love anything and everything related to chickens. I just think they’re neat. And this (Australian, I think) ad for Domino’s is by far the best chicken-related commercial I’ve seen, not to mention one of the awesomest ads I’ve ever seen, period.

Domino’s disco chicken ad

This Lipton commercial from the 1990s is one of those ads that I saw so many times during my formative years, I could sing the jingle from memory without even having watched this clip.

Random early childhood memory: my friends and I used to make fun of it when swimming (which we did a lot in the Arizona desert) by dryly saying “This is Lipton Tea Time,” then as we dove from the diving board, singing “This is the taste!” I told you it was random.

Lipton Tea Time Ad

This is the ad I was actually looking for when I ended up posting the magical briefcase Folgers ad. This Folgers commercial is such a classic, it barely needs an introduction. Let’s just say it’s a little story about a free-spirited dancer who needs caffeine to get her going in the morning, but once she does, it’s Riverdance time. I find it strange that Folgers keeps playing this ad year after year, as if it’s not dated at all. Remember when Riverdance was actually kind of trendy? That was a long time ago.

Folgers Riverdance goodness