My friends and I often made jokes about what might have been in that one package Tom Hanks refused to open in Cast Away. What if it was an inflatable raft, or a gun or whatever? Well, little did I know until today, FedEx was way ahead of us. They did a commercial about this very concept, which admittedly could be better if they’d gotten the original cast members to act it out, but it’s still really funny. Check it out!
If you’ve seen the many 1-800-DENTIST ads, which show a dentist and a woman who always seem to get in the same elevator, sharing dentistry-related banter, you know they use guilt and vague threats to convince the public to go to the dentist. The woman will just be talking about food or something, and the dentist guy is like, “you know what you need to eat food? Teeth.” Give it a rest already, dentist dude! The woman said she wasn’t interested. I think the banter is really just their way of flirting…they clearly have some sexual tension going on there.
But since I don’t have health insurance and dentists are all kinds of expensive, these commercials just frustrate me. I’m like, “I know! I want to go! Stop reminding me!” Grr.
Anyway, here are two truly bizarre (and unusually long) outtakes, which the company recently posted with a number of others on their YouTube channel.
The first one, entitled “Goodies,” confirms my sexual tension theory. The woman is now shamelessly throwing herself at the guy.
I also recommend “Pygmynation,” wherein the woman offers the following as a reason for distrusting dentists: “They do stuff in my mouth, and I am not a prostitute.”
I really dislike this whole unfunny humor trend in advertising. Everyone seems to think the way to get young, hip audiences to buy their product is to imitate the whole Judd Apatow/Will Ferrell humorless comedy sensibility. But it’s one thing to watch an R-rated movie and chuckle at how stupid Will Ferrell’s character is, and quite another to watch a TV commercial. Nobody’s looking to commercials for their daily dose of comedy (unless it’s unintentional).
This Sonic commercial is a perfect example. It’s chock full of unfunny humor that will make you cringe with its self-conscious randomness. I’m sorry the video is a disaster, but it’s all I could find.
I have never been a fan of commercials where different people’s conversations are cut together so it sounds continuous. The telephone commercials where families talk to each other around the world are a good example…someone will say in Korean, “How have you been? Want some kimchi?” and somebody in England replies, “Bully, cheerio,” or something, to which an Irishman will ask, “Where’s my whiskey and potatoes?” And so forth.
But this Citi commercial (entitled “Spending Smarter”) is even weirder, because the cut-up conversation doesn’t even make sense. It also implies that the family of one of the woman portrayed likes to eat “dog food, bags of it.”
When it comes to racy and possibly offensive advertisements, I say bring it on! The more messed up the better. But these recent ads even make me blush. You have to wonder what the companies were thinking.
First, there’s the now-infamous “2 Girls, 1 Sub” piece, which is more of an ad for Playboy than Quizno’s, but you wouldn’t know it just by watching the ad. There’s been some debate as to whether Quizno’s actually had any involvement in the making of the ad, but I seriously hope they had nothing to do with it. First of all, it’s named after a video about eating poop, so the already-nasty Quizno’s sandwiches will now forever be associated in my mind with vomit-inducing quasi-scat-porn. Secondly, the orgasmic sounds in the background are completely gratuitous and turn what could easily be a Carl’s Jr.-type food porn commercial into something far more inappropriate. Observe.
Next is an ad for the Stacker (read: trucker’s meth) brand’s energy product known as 6 Hour Power. No explanation is needed. Watch for the wife’s framed photo crashing to the ground as the boss gets a ’special visit’ from his secretary…so callous, but so true.
6 Hour Power will get you office head
And of course, I have to present the blow-up doll print ad from Burger King, even if print ads aren’t really my thing. It’s just too good.
Here’s a close-up of the semi-spicy copy at the bottom of the ad:
I was already surprised to see that Denny’s was embracing stoner mascots like the rasta unicorn in their recent series of Allnighter (meaning late night menu) ads, which I discussed here, but today I took a gander at their official Allnighter website. Dear god!
I’ve spent time at Denny’s late at night, and as I recall, their late night menu used to be pretty lame. But now they’re trying to make it super cool and hip, so not only do they have a crazy, “youthful” looking site with music downloads and all kinds of stuff, but apparently they’re also letting cheesy guest musicians design their “Rockstar Menu.” Yes, finally your lifelong dream of eating something Sum 41 came up with can become a reality.
The items definitely seem like things rock musicians with no culinary talent would come up with. A breakfast sandwich sprinkled with powdered sugar for no reason (the Sumwich, pictured above, which kind of sounds like “Sumbitch”), a pile of random toast and crap smothered in gravy, etc. The only thing that sounds reasonably good is the burrito Good Charlotte supposedly invented. It even comes with a Boca Burger option for vegetarians, and anything served with a side of ranch for dipping is OK by me. So congratulations, Good Charlotte! Apparently the Madden dudes have at least some good taste, not counting their involvement with Paris Hilton.
And since I already posted the stoned unicorn commercial, here’s another Denny’s classic that weed lovers will be equally amused by:
Complaining about deceptive pharmaceutical ads is a little like complaining about dishonest politicians, but when you consider that some people are stupid enough to actually believe what is said in these drug ads, it’s a little more worrisome.
For instance, having taken Ambien once and watched my friends use it (purely recreationally), I now know that it is a devil drug from hell, and nobody should ever take it. It would be fun if you remembered the hardcore tripping out and hallucinations you undergo while on it, but once you ’sober up,’ you have absolutely no memory of the five hours or so you spent acting like a crazy person. One of my friends watched in horror as the posters around her room started to interact, and she claimed with all seriousness that the lamp was planning an attack on her laundry hamper. But, again, she had no memory of any of it once she snapped out of it. In the ads, they try to downplay the hallucinations, sleep walking, sleep driving, and other crazy things people do (i.e. eat cigarettes) while they’re on the drug, but selling the thing in the first place seems like a recipe for disaster. As far as I know, the drug doesn’t actually make you fall asleep, but actually makes you start dreaming awake. Scary stuff.
But that’s not the only deceptive ad out there. Some, like the Yaz ad that had to be retracted, and the Lipitor ads with the fake doctor, have become big news, but others continue to get away with misleading claims and unclear information. There’s a great article in the LA Times about this subject from earlier this month, and a Time Magazine video below also tackles the issue. Enjoy!
P.S. If anyone can locate a copy of the Lipitor “I never thought it could happen to me…heart attack at 53″ ad, give me the link. I like how it rhymes and sounds like the beginning of a country song.
I love me some cheap haircuts, and half the time I’m too cheap to even get those and end up letting my friends cut my hair (bad idea unless you’re getting a buzz cut). But when I do decide to go all out and pamper myself, I still can’t bear to spend more than $15 or $20 on a haircut. It just seems wrong, especially when hair grows out so fast. If you have thick or unruly hair, I could totally understand it, but my hair is as thin as a rail and I could basically cut it myself with nail clippers, so there’s not a lot I can do with it, style-wise. I usually get my hair cut at a local Brooklyn beauty shop these days, but when I lived in Tucson I was a Fashion Cuts girl all the way, and when I lived and worked in Manhattan, I went with Supercuts. I worked at a deli downstairs from one for a time, so the haircutters who I gave free coffee refills and so forth to every morning would cut me a deal on cuts and colors. I always gave them free reign to try whatever they wanted, and once my favorite stylist, Dorca, gave me purple hair with a blonde streak. She scolded me that my washed out Manic Panic red hair was getting unattractive, and that even if my boyfriend didn’t say anything about it, I should fix it up for his benefit. Oh, Dorca, where are you now?
ANYway, this Supercuts ad was just playing and I recognized the voice as Amy Sedaris’ immediately. Hell yeah! Cheap haircuts and my favorite funny woman, together at last.
This newish Taco Bell ad for their Frutista drinks is slightly confusing. The annoying lyrics in their “if you like piña colada” ripoff song seem to suggest that stressed office workers and people stuck in traffic jams love drinking piña coladas to unwind, which makes perfect sense. I too would love to drink while I was stuck in traffic, if not for those pesky DUI laws. But these are obviously virgin drinks, so why are these stressed-out office fools so excited?
And if these drinks are really booze-free, which I assume they are, why don’t they call them virgin piña coladas? Is it because you can’t say “virgin” in a commercial? Virgin Air and/or Megastore doesn’t seem to think so. I might try one of these Frutistas (which sounds like some sort of militia), as long as I had a couple of mini bottles of rum to spike it with.
Ed McMahon was a wonderful entertainer, and I think everyone’s a little bummed that he’s gone. But in honor of Ed, and in keeping with the theme of this website, I’d like to celebrate him with a look back at a really awesome Cash4Gold ad he made last year or so. He will be missed.
The Denny’s all nighter ads are pretty interesting. They portray a dinosaur, a unicorn, a leprechaun, and a normal looking dude enjoying a late night munchie session at Wendy’s. And they seem baked. The unicorn is an obvious Rasta, and his eyes are nearly shut he’s so stoned. The other ones may merely be along for the ride, but the whole thing seems to be a nod to the fact that late night Denny’s customers are more often than not…what’s the word…baked. Well, bravo, Denny’s! I’m proud of them for having the balls to acknowledge their target audience.
I have been confused about these Marshall’s commercials for a while. They set up these bizarre scenarios in which fashion designers don’t seem to understand the concept of return policies, customer service, or basic retail practices. For instance, in the ad below, their fancy European designer, Bjorn, writes the number 100 on an order slip, and the clothing supplier he’s buying from assumes he wrote 700. First of all, I doubt they’d finish their transaction without going over the total cost, but even if they did, once the 700 shirts showed up on his doorstep, you’d think Bjorn would simply call up the supplier and be like, “I only ordered 100 shirts. I’m not paying for 700.” End of story. A few bucks for return shipping might be lost, but it’s not the end of the world.
It may pay to be shoppertunistic, but it clearly doesn’t pay to be a pushover in the retail business.
I completely understand giving an Edible Arrangements bouquet o’ fruit to, say, somebody in your office on their birthday. Then the whole department can chow down on the massive pile of artistically carved fruit. But recent ads of theirs have been suggesting giving one to your dad for Father’s Day, and I have to wonder: can anyone eat that much fruit before it goes bad? It’s all cut up already, so it probably doesn’t have a very long shelf life, and I personally could only eat so much before I would be kind of sick of it. I suppose you could blend it into a smoothie, and of course the family will be pitching in, but it still seems like an awkward gift. Plus they start at $40, I think, which is a bit much for fruit. Just go to the grocery store, spend thee bucks on as much fruit as you can eat, and make a fruit salad. Seriously. Now if they made a bouquet out of tacos or beers, I’d pay attention.
Here’s the Father’s Day clip (as a belated nod to the holiday), followed by another of their ads that’s a little funnier. The woman sounds like she’s a little slow.
