This Superbowl-themed Walmart ad from earlier this year is dumb enough as it is, but the part that really confuses me is near the end when the narrator says that Walmart offers “everyone’s favorite football foods.”

What is a football food, really? Are they suggesting that snacks like Chex Mix and chips and dip are what counts as football-related nourishment? Because I can think of a lot of other names for that…stuff that people eat while watching TV, foods that guys like, bar food…last time I checked, football isn’t its own genre of cuisine. Anyway, here’s the ad.

The Canada tourism board or some shit (slogan: Keep Exploring) has been advertising Canadian travel with short, cryptic home video clips showing travelers having surreal and/or amazing experiences. But instead of inspiring me to book a vacation in the Great White North, they frighten me and remind me of horrific moments in Cloverfield. The following link will take you to a collection of all of the videos. I particularly recommend “Iceberg,” “Jimmy versus the whale” and the truly terrifying “Seal on kayak.”

Watch the videos

I want to like this ad for Honda Civic, which shows a dedicated group of nerds gathering together to cut grooves into a road (much like the Japanese musical roads), thus producing a tune when you drive over it. But I have one major complaint: the song doesn’t work! They’re obviously trying to get the road to play the William Tell Overture, but they failed at getting the notes right for the most part. I seriously doubt they did it wrong on purpose for copyright reasons…that song is way public domain. I suppose it would have been deceptive if the ad people had adjusted the tones so it sounded right, but I almost wish they had, just so I wouldn’t have to listen to this butchered version over and over when I’m trying to watch Daily Show clips online.

Why have there been so many poop-related commercials lately? It seems like everyone’s having trouble crapping, especially the unfortunate people in the Activia and Fiber One commercials. This Fiber One spot is particularly disturbing, partly because the unspoken punchline is “that old woman is gonna crap her pants.”

I would say that the better way to get to the root of the problem would be to eat more fruits and vegetables and less meat and fried food. But that’s just me.

I should also point out that I ordered the free Fiber One samples like the ads suggested, and they were pretty tasty. Then again, you can give me a free ketchup packet and I’ll be happy.

While I have no beef with the fine deoderant/antipersperant product known as Degree, the new ad for their women’s Fine Fragrance Collection is just silly. I wasn’t able to locate a clip, so please allow me to attempt to recapture the brilliance.

A hermetic male perfumier, who looks a little like Karl Lagerfeld if I recall correctly, drives around and complains in voice over that his life’s work has been for naught, because he realized something. It struck him that sweat washes away perfume, so there’s no point in designing it anymore. Instead he will devote his life to creating matching deoderants and body sprays for Degree.

Um, what? First of all, any perfumier worth his salt would know that sweat makes scents work, and in fact they don’t reach their full potential until your own pheromones have mixed in with them. Secondly, all sorts of perfumes already have matching cosmetic products…just take a stroll past your local department store perfume section if you don’t believe me. Granted, the idea of putting designer scents (although I assume that by “designer,” Degree means “not designer”) into deoderant is a bit unusual, unless you’re a guy who likes his Axe. But you can just spritz a bit of your favorite perfume on your underarms if you really want them to smell like CK One or whatever. I don’t get it.

These are ten products and/or services whose advertising campaigns have gotten on my last nerve.

10. Esurance

9. Stanley Steemer

8. Mohegan Sun (local reference to the New York area)

7. Activia

6. Real California Milk (i.e. those obnoxious singing cows)

5. Free Credit Report

4. J.G. Wentworth (877-CASH-NOW)

3. Transition to Digital TV (see every channel at all hours of the day for examples, or hit play below)

2. ExtenZe

1. Optimum Triple Play

The Sandals Resorts company has never been particularly known for their intelligent advertisements, but this one goes too far. The very first thing that comes out of the narrator’s mouth is glaringly grammatically incorrect.

“Isn’t it times like these that reminds us of what’s important?”

Ugh. Where’s the attention to detail?

See for yourself.

Sandals ad

I am very confused by these new commercials for Disney Farm Fresh Eggs. Disney thinks they can just stamp a little character on any old thing and people will buy it? Well, they probably will, but it’s still arrogant. And the person who posted the video below suggests that these might be collectible if you don’t break the shells. Do they mean drilling a couple of tiny holes and blowing them out? Because I don’t think anyone wants some old rotten eggs, no matter what they’re stamped with. The carton maybe. Blown-out eggshells maybe. Rotten eggs no.

Disney Farm Fresh Eggs commercial

If you find a link to any of these, please let me know!

1. The Midol commercial where one woman says she’d kill for a brownie, and her friend says, “Ohh…she’s menstrual!”

2. The Betty Crocker (I think) instant cake mix ad where someone says “This torte is divine!”

3. I referred to this in a previous post, but I’m still also looking for the Pillsbury ad that uncomfortably implies that the middle-aged couple is going to be doing some experimenting in the bedroom.

I don’t understand why the good people at Old El Paso feel they need to improve upon the traditional taco shell. In their new ad, they suggest that the solution to the age old problem of tacos spilling out onto your plate is to make the very shell square. But this makes no sense. For one thing, the shape would probably hurt your mouth when you took a bite. For another, the whole thing falls apart after a few bites anyway, so it doesn’t matter what the bottom is shaped like. Thirdly, a little invention known as a taco rack is a far better solution, and it’s one of my favorite inventions to boot. I especially recommend this fine model by La Cook-a-Rack-a, or the one pictured below, which I just like because I love chickens.

Anyway, here’s the offending commercial.

Old El paso Flat bottom taco ad

This is a Betty Crocker gem from back in the day. The song is absolute gold, and the look on the guy’s face when he realizes there are even more frostings is almost orgasmic. Kind of scary.

Betty Crocker frosting ad

The Yoplait ad that’s been playing lately shows a woman on the phone with a friend, discussing all the delicious desserts she’s been eating, while her husband vainly searches through the fridge for said desserts. Then she announces that she’s lost weight, confusing him much like that other yogurt lady confused her seamstress when she asked for her clothes to be taken in. By the way, doesn’t the lady in that seamstress ad look a bit like the crazed fan in Flight of the Conchords?

Anyway, the fact that the husband has to sneak around and pretend he’s not looking for dessert makes me sad. If he wants cakes and pies so badly, why doesn’t he just buy some? Sounds like we have one controlling bitch of a wife on our hands. He even looks scared of her.

Andrea Rosen Yoplait commercial

This Beggin’ Strips ad deserves the title “Ad of the Decade” at least, but we’ll start with Ad of the Week. When I die, I want my tombstone to read “Bacon popular, story at 11.”

Beggin’ Strips Commercial

When I first saw the recent ad campaign for Gatorade Tiger Focus, which is entitled Woods of Wisdom in case you didn’t get the Tiger Woods reference from the product name, I thought I was watching some kind of PSA for healthy childhood eating habits, or possibly an ad for The Jungle Book 2. But no, it’s just another weird, nonsensical production from Gatorade, joining the ranks of their Monty Python and the Holy Grail ripoff campaign and that “celebrities standing in a row cryptically wondering out loud what ‘G’ is” commercial, which adds insult to injury by forcing you go online to look up the fact that, surprise, it’s just Gatorade. It reminded me of Gabbo in the Simpsons, but less hilarious.

Anyway, although I am a Gatorade drinker and enjoyer, this Jungle Book ad annoys me. The only good part is the rap at the end, which at first I thought sounded like Big Boi. I couldn’t figure out who it was for sure so I asked the company, to which they told me “Bootsy Collins does all the music for these commercials and created the pieces specifically for this ad campaign.” Thanks Gatorade! I’m so happy that it turned out to be Bootsy. He’s like the ZZ Top of funk. His star-shaped Space Bass is at least as cool as ZZ’s furry guitars.

You can view the rap in question at about the 30 second mark here:

I have to say, I’m really proud of Quizno’s for having the cajones to air a commercial like this. Granted, this is the cable version, which I’ve only seen at night on channels like SpikeTV, but it’s still fairly eyebrow-raising as sandwich chain commercials go. The version that airs on network TV is far less interesting and doesn’t really make any sense, which leads me to believe that this version was the original ad vision. My favorite part is their discussion of how Scott, the sandwich maker, has previously “put it in” and doesn’t want to it again because it burned, to which the oven replies, “we both enjoyed that.”

Quizno’s Toasty Torpedo Ad (sexy version)